Babies

I have been having a really hard time with not having any more kids. I always wanted another one, I feel like the only thing I am truly good at is being a mom. The girls are all going to be in school full time and I dont know what I am going to do. I just really wanted 1 more baby.

I was late this month, but really I am very irregular, so I really wasn't late. But in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "maybe, maybe I am pregnant."
If I was pregnant that would be bad, tamoxifen is not good for a baby, I have horrible pregnancy's, and hormones are what made my cancer grow.
Getting pregnant would be stupid, getting pregnant would be bad, really really bad.

But I let the hunger of a baby cloud my judgment and I took a pregnancy test, one that has been in my drawer for 3 years.
The one line showed up and my heart sank, there was no way it was going to have two lines, but that one line showed up so fast that it was like the universe was saying "not a chance in hell."
It is so stupid to be upset about something that never was, something that will never happen, something that was just wishful, hopeful thinking.

But I am sad,
I am mourning the loss of never having my own new born baby in my arms again.
Never again.

This post cancer life has really thrown a wrench in what I thought my life would be, but I am trying, I try everyday to move forward.