Babies

I have been having a really hard time with not having any more kids. I always wanted another one, I feel like the only thing I am truly good at is being a mom. The girls are all going to be in school full time and I dont know what I am going to do. I just really wanted 1 more baby.

I was late this month, but really I am very irregular, so I really wasn't late. But in the back of my mind I kept thinking, "maybe, maybe I am pregnant."
If I was pregnant that would be bad, tamoxifen is not good for a baby, I have horrible pregnancy's, and hormones are what made my cancer grow.
Getting pregnant would be stupid, getting pregnant would be bad, really really bad.

But I let the hunger of a baby cloud my judgment and I took a pregnancy test, one that has been in my drawer for 3 years.
The one line showed up and my heart sank, there was no way it was going to have two lines, but that one line showed up so fast that it was like the universe was saying "not a chance in hell."
It is so stupid to be upset about something that never was, something that will never happen, something that was just wishful, hopeful thinking.

But I am sad,
I am mourning the loss of never having my own new born baby in my arms again.
Never again.

This post cancer life has really thrown a wrench in what I thought my life would be, but I am trying, I try everyday to move forward. 

Why a blog??

I have been writing about my cancer journey on my family blog, but I print that out every year and I want the girls to know that for the most part, I have moved on.
I dont want them to worry, I want them to be little girls for as long as they can.

So I have decided to make this blog my new place I write about all the crazy thoughts I have in the post cancer life I am leading. Plus my pictures, house building, and crazy chicken lady stories, you know the stuff that keeps me (semi) sane!

I have stopped blogging, I put pictures up with a few words, but nothing like I use to do.
The biggest reason is chemo brain.
I get frustrated with myself.
I cant think of the simplest word, or memory, or how to phrase something. I feel like I use to be smart,
now,
I am not.
But I need some place to vent, some place to just get it all out, and then move forward, even if most of it sounds like rambling from a crazy lady.
I also need to do this because I dont know how to talk to people about whats on my mind, and I dont think people care. I figure you have a choice to click on this blog and you can stop reading when you want and I'll be non the wiser! 
Plus, I get my feeling out!

Win, Win for all of us!

R.I.P Blondie

While at a cheese making class, Kyle text me and said that my best layer, blondie, had died.
She was laying behind the garage on her back with 2 eggs beside her body.
I about cried, but then told myself that this comes along with raising animals.

After doing some research we are pretty certain that she had a heart attack.
Why? We dont know.  
She had laid 3 eggs yesterday, one in her favorite nesting box, and 2 beside her body. Could that have put her body in stress? She wasnt old, not even a year old, but she will be missed in my back yard for sure.

I've been out there watching the chickens all day and it is weird to not see her running to me hoping I have food.

Baby Chicks!

After 20 days of sitting on 5 eggs, Ginger got her babies!
5 of 5 leghorn eggs hatched!

It has been so much fun to watch Ginger chirp at her baby chicks, teach them to eat, drink, dirt bath, and to be chickens!
I can defiantly see the advantages of a mother hen, she takes care of everything and beats up the cats when they try to mess with them.
But, they are not near as friendly and I dont like that. I like to be the mother hen!!
I still follow them around the yard hoping they will someday love me cause they know I feed them good treats! 

Jelly and Crocheting

We got a ton of pomegranates this year! I have gave some away, used some in a sprite drink, and made a few batches of jelly!
I have so much jelly, peach pit, pear, peach/pear, watermelon, jalapeno pomegranate, and plain ol' pomegranate! But it is all delicious and we eat more jelly now days than... ever!

This blanket is my first big crochet project! I love the way it is turning out, it is huge, but every granny stripe is made with love!
Taygen gets this blanket.
When my sisters started having kids I decided to make them each a blanket, but then they just kept coming, 2 by 2 and now I am 7 blankets behind!
But I will catch up, just as soon as the weather isnt beautiful!!  

2015 Garden

This winter has not been cold at all,
it is kinda scary, but we might as well make the best of it and try to get a few batches off our tomatoes!

At this house Kyle is the gardener, I like to help, but he gets all technical and doesnt just put the plant in the ground and hope it grows!

It has been warm enough here that we already had blossoms on our tiny tomato plant. But like good 'farmers' who know what they are doing, we picked them off!
The tweety birds really like to eat my garden this year, but I use alot of tomatoes through the year, so I made kyle get a bird net to try and save them from being ate! 
It did get cold again, but here in the desert it doesn't freeze... often!

scarecrows and bread

My radishes just started to come up, then the birds started eating them, so I build a scarecrow! 

I really hope he helps.

I cant wait to have all kinds of yummy things growing out there again.

I have this dream that we grow, harvest, and scratch make everything we eat.

I dont think that will ever happen, but a girl can dream right??!

But since I am trying to get as close to that dream as possible, I have started to try and make homemade bread.

This was my first attempt and it was so easy and turned out perfect. I sliced it up while it was still warm and put some of my homemade pomegranate jelly on it, way worth the calories!

My next batch I am going to try something other than plain ol' white!

Click here for the easy recipe!